Übermidget's back.
First new issue of the year.
Sorry for the wait.

TODAY ON THE ÜBERMIDGET CALENDAR

Today is Chickpea Slick day. Puree some cooked or canned chickpeas (or, if you prefer, garbanzo beans) to a manageably pasty consistency, dispense a baseball-sized amount into your palm, and comb that shit through your hair. Works just like mousse, looks sharp, and tastes great, too.

Look, don't question it...just fucking go do it, OK?

CURRENT STATUS OF MR. MONKEYPANTS's
2001 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

• RESOLUTION #1: Evaluate parboiled rice.

  STATUS: Accomplished! Have decided that parboiled rice is really not much different from regular white rice: a little more tender, perhaps.

• RESOLUTION #2: Find Jesus.

  STATUS: Still looking! Repeated e-mails and phone calls to Christ's press secretary have not been returned. Anonymous tipster claims to have seen Jesus at recent matinee showing of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." Sighting unconfirmed as of this date. Calls to box office yielded little additional information. Another source claims to have seen Jesus in our nation's capital, protesting the inauguration. Also unconfirmed. Called Judas (on vacation until end of month); left message on voicemail. Other apostles remain engaged in various evangelical missions; attempts to contact have proven unsuccessful.

  PLAN B: No choice but to continue looking.

• RESOLUTION #3: Increase self-discipline by slathering repeated applications of undiluted Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap to my nether regions.

  STATUS: Currently unachieved on account of fear.

  PLAN B: Dilute! Dilute! OK! All-One-God-Faith!

• RESOLUTION #4: Make meal utilizing products other than rice and pasta.

  STATUS: Unsuccessful. Insubstantial cash flow seems to be primary factor prohibiting achievement of this resolution.

  PLAN B: Experiment with other inexpensive food stuffs, such as mold or plankton.

• RESOLUTION #5: Take Übermidget all the way to the big screen.

  STATUS: Currently unachieved.

  PLAN B: Find reader with 42-inch monitor.

MOCK-CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE ÜBERMIDGET SOUL

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared to believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance."

-Bruce Barton

"I'm going to pee if it's the last thing I do," I remember thinking with a fiery urgency. I can look back and laugh now, but at that moment, humor was the farthest thing from my mind.

The day had begun ordinarily enough: the morning news on TV, a pot of coffee before work. The sun was rising, the crows were cawing, and I had the sense that destiny was beckoning me. I shaved and showered and got dressed and headed out the door to the bus stop. A few minutes into the bus ride, it hit me: My bladder was full! And how! My pulse quickened. Beads of sweat appeared on my furrowed brow. My mind began to race: Almost an hour's ride--I would never make it!

And then I remembered something that my father had taught me many years ago, when I was just a young lad. "Son," he said. "You just have to hold it in."

Hold it in! Now, in my desperate state, I tried to see the wisdom in that statement. Yet, I had remembered times when my father had pulled over to the side of the road to go pee in the woods. And I seem to remember that during one particular urinary emergency, he went to pee in an alley behind the local Kmart. And yet this same man had counseled me to "hold it in." How could that be?

As the pressure on my bladder increased there on the bus, my mind reeled. Had my father been a hypocrite, teaching me to "hold it in" but neglecting to follow his own injunction? Had my Catholic upbringing failed me? My moral paradigm was crashing down around me.

"Hold it in, hold it in," I said to myself. The words echoed through my mind. I began to tap my foot nervously. I couldn't just pee there on the bus. No, I would have to hold it in. It took every ounce of resolve that I could muster. "Hold it in, hold it in," I repeated in my mind.

At last the bus lurched to my stop. I raced out and up to work. There, I hurried into the men's room and peed to my heart's content. It was a urinary delight the likes of which I had never experienced before: the warm golden rivulet streaming forth like an untamed river, the smell of the freshly-watered urinal mint wafting up, the beautiful tinkly-splashy sound of relief. Minutes later, I emerged into my work area, relieved and invigorated.

But then I realized something: I *had* held it in! For a while, at least--that is, until I found a proper restroom. And wasn't that the whole point? That day, I had learned to appreciate the tremendous power of peeing. And I had learned a lot about life in the process.

"Hold it in," I said to myself, and headed to the kitchen for a fresh cup of coffee. If my father had never spoken those words to me many years before, I may very well have peed in my pants that day.

KOOKY SHENANIGANS!

Hey kids! Hop on board the wacky new trend in e-mail that's sure to be all the rage! Here's how it works: In the subject line, you type something ostensibly touting a particular topic. But then--and here's the zany part!--in the actual body of the message, you type a sentence that has nothing to do with the subject! It's fun! It's dadaistic! It's crazy! Try it!

Here are some actual examples (all rights reserved) to get you started:

Date: Wed, 31 Jan 2001 10:11:15 -0800 (PST)
From: Todd Monkeypants
To: Davey Creative

Subject: Yo! YO! Who Let Da Dogs Out?!

A: No, not really.
_____________________________________________

Date: Thu, 1 Feb 2001 06:08:59 -0800 (PST)
From: Todd Monkeypants
To: Davey Creative

Subject: So What's on the Agenda for Today?

Usually it flashes bright blue but sometimes it looks
kind of green if it's sunny out.
_____________________________________________

Date: Thu, 01 Feb 2001 08:52:34 -0500 (PST)
From: Davey Creative
To: Todd Monkeypants

Subject: Hey remember

Okay, that sounds fine.
_____________________________________________

Date: Thu, 01 Feb 2001 10:44:43 -0500 (PST)
From: Davey Creative
To: Todd Monkeypants

Subject: Have a good vacation

Damn, that is impossible to do by Wednesday.
_____________________________________________

Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2001 11:04:28 -0800 (PST)
From: Todd Monkeypants
To: Davey Creative

Subject: Call for Repair about the Fax Machine

30cc intravenous potassium solution.
_____________________________________________

Date: Fri, 2 Feb 2001 11:06:27 -0800 (PST)
From: Todd Monkeypants
To: Davey Creative

Subject: That Final Report Looks Great

Do you have Nikes in a 14EEE?
_____________________________________________

Date: Fri, 02 Feb 2001 11:11:53 -0500 (PST)
From: Davey Creative
To: Todd Monkeypants

Subject: Did you get the new designs?

I can't believe the movie ended that way.
_____________________________________________

Date: Mon, 05 Feb 2001 11:22:20 -0500 (PST)
From: Davey Creative
To: Todd Monkeypants

Subject: River rafting trip rescheduled

If anybody wants to eat lunch out today, let me know.
_____________________________________________

Date: Tue, 06 Feb 2001 17:20:13 -0500 (PST)
From: Davey Creative
To: Todd Monkeypants

Subject: All donations for children fund due tomorrow

The video store has a two-for-one rental special running
until the end of next week.

TRUE INCIDENTS AT THE BUS STOP
THIS EPISODE: DA BOMB!

[Scene: Todd Monkeypants is walking along the crosswalk towards the bus stop, when he is approached from the opposite side of he street by an African-American man, mid-30s, about 5'8", wearing black jeans, a faded denim jacket, and a baseball cap decorated with buttons. For purposes of this scene, he will be referred to hereafter as "Bomb."]

BOMB [in middle of crosswalk]: Hey, man, can I ask you a question?

TODD MONKEYPANTS [sensing an attempted scam in progress]: Look, I'm kind of in a hurry, I don't really have time...whaddya want?

[Monkeypants keeps walking. Bomb follows.]

BOMB: Listen, if there was gonna be a nuclear war, like, right this minute, like tonight, right now, who you think would win?

TODD MONKEYPANTS: Who do I think would win?

BOMB: Yeah, like, us, or, you know, Russia?

TODD MONKEYPANTS: Um, I don't know that anyone would "win." Both sides would probably be destroyed. "Mutually Assured Destruction," you know.

BOMB: But like, what if they was to fire they missiles first, right? Wouldn't they blow us up first?

TODD MONKEYPANTS: Well, I think it takes a few minutes for the missiles to travel all that distance. We'd know the missiles were coming, and we'd launch ours right back.

BOMB: Man, that's some scary shit.

TODD MONKEYPANTS Yeah, it is scary.

BOMB: Like, I heard it's like, so many--what you call 'em, watts, or volts, or...

TODD MONKEYPANTS Megatons?

BOMB: Yeah, yeah! I heard they be so hot, we would just like melt.

TODD MONKEYPANTS Yeah, I heard that after the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, people's shadows were burned into the ground.

BOMB: That's some nasty shit.

TODD MONKEYPANTS Yeah it is.

BOMB: I heard it be so hot, like, it would melt this [wall], it'd be nothing but like a black spot, like a burn or something. Man, that shit crazy.

[Pauses as though to simulate a lull in the conversation.]

Listen, man, I was wondering if I could ask a favor, see, I need--

[A bus pulls up.]

TODD MONKEYPANTS Sorry, man, my bus is here....

BOMB: All I need is a dollar, I--

[Todd Monkeypants boards bus.]

BOMB: Hey! HEY! [Watches dejectedly as bus begins to pull away.] Damn!

THE TRUTH BY YOURS TRULY

Like most Americans, I don't really know much about anything. Still, there are at least a few things that I do know, or used to know. What follows are various non-related questions that I, Todd Monkeypants, answered correctly (to the best of my knowledge).

• Q: Was there a fax from Lindsay M. on the machine?
  A: No.

• Q: Are you serious?! You actually watch "7th Heaven"?
  A: Yeah, I do, actually.

• Q: Do you have any clean towels?
  A: There should be one in the closet.

• Q: Did the plumber call back?
  A: No, not yet.

• Q: Have you finished writing those articles yet?
  A: No, not yet.

• Q: Have you written to her yet?
  A: No, I'm kind of lazy that way.

• Q: Do you have a pen?
  A: I had one around here somewhere. Ah, here we go.

• Q: So how'd you like that game?
  A: The Super Bowl? That was a good game.

• Q: Hi. I have some certified letters here. Can you sign those for me?
  A: Ummm, I'm not really supposed to sign for certified letters. I'll have to check with Ida.

• Q: Spare some change, sir?
  A: Sorry, I only have enough cash for the bus myself.

• Q: Excuse me, do you know where Perryville is?
  A: No, I'm not familiar with that area.

A SELECTION FROM THE ÜBERMIDGET MAILBAG

A good reader from St. Louis writes:

Some anagrams! You seem like a guy who might like a good anagram now and then. For Monkeypants: A NET MONK SPY, or SANK EMPTY ON, or OPEN MY STANK, or ASK PENNY TOM...yeah, some of these aren't so great. But if you mix them around a little you can come up with something funny. I got them here.

--Kat

Todd Monkeypants replies:

Thanks, Kat. By the way, do natives of your state pronounce the second "i" in Missouri like a long "e" or a short "a"? And why do they call Missouri the "Show Me" state? What exactly are we supposed to show you?

All contents ©2000 Monkeypants Enterprises of the Lower 48