25 December 2005

All material by Todd Monkeypants and Evan Johnston,except where otherwise noted.


A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS GREETING FROM YOUR HOST, TODD MONKEYPANTS

It's a frantic time here at Übermidget HQ. It's a frenzy of wadded-up giftwrap, knotted ribbon, and broken dreams.

And somewhere out there, in Anytown, USA, young Evan Johnston, one of Übermidget's finest, sits forlorn and inconsolable. You see, Evan once believed that Christmas miracles could happen. For just days ago, Evan worked his soul to the bone, dodging every mixed metaphor in his path, just to bring Übermidget back to life this holiday season. And when that didn't happen...well, at that very moment, Santa Claus ceased to be real for Evan Johnston.

Well, Evan, I'm here to tell you that the magic of Christmas survives yet. Behold! For today I bring you, faithful readers, tidings of great joy...our special holiday supplement, wrapped in swaddling HTML.

And that's what Christmas is all about, Evan Johnston.


A NOTED ÜBERMIDGET CONTRIBUTOR PENS A NEW GENERATION OF CHRISTMAS-TIME CAROLS, WITH LIMITED SUCCESS

SANTA'S BIG OLD BAG
(Lyrics: E. Johnston, ©2005)

Santa!
With that big old bag!
Santa!

-------

IT'S CHRISTMAS-TIME IN NAUVOO, INDIANA
(Lyrics: E. Johnston, ©2005)

Christmas Time in Auld Nauvoo
What is this world coming to?
So many people diggin' snow
. . . and diggin' it well!
Yeah (3X)

-------

THEY CALL HIM RUDOLPHIO
(Lyrics: E. Johnston, ©2005)

There goes that reindeer again
And I think this time he's got a mustache
I guess he forgot to shave
Or maybe not


LAST-MINUTE GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS


THE ANNOTATED BAND AID

Go ahead. Try to make it through the holiday season without hearing the ad hoc pop supergroup's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" at least three dozen times.

Who in 1984 could have possibly suspected that the smash single would still be in heavy holiday rotation twenty-plus years hence...with two rendundant "updates" to boot?

While Geldof and Co.'s intentions were undoubtedly laudable, it is readily apparent to all but the most casual listener that the song's lyrics were painted with rather large brush strokes. We here at Übermidget certainly appreciate artistic license, but we are also sticklers for textual analysis where appropriate.

And so, we present for your edification a line-by-line dissection of this contemporary Christmas classic.

[All lyrics ©1984 The Band Aid Charitable Trust]


It's Christmas time and there's no need to be afraid

Here are some very real reasons to be afraid:


At Christmas time we let in light and we banish shade

In fact, Business Trend Analysts predicted approximately $6.1 billion dollars for retail sales of window coverings in 2004, with growth expected.

Source: “The 2004/2005 Outlook for the U.S. Window Coverings Market,” Business Trend Analysts.

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy

Some biofeedback adherents have concluded that the very act of smiling can be be of significant value to one's emotional well-being.

Meanwhile, urban legend evaluators have questioned the conventional wisdom that it takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown.


Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time

One's arm span is generally proportionate to one's height.

The circumference of the world as measured from the earth's equator, is approximately 24,901.55 miles.

You do the math.


But say a prayer; pray for the other ones

Some have questioned the psychosomatic benefits of prayer.

"Other ones" may be some sort of euphemism. Or it may refer obliquely to Sartre's famous assertion that "Hell is the other."


At Christmas time it's hard, but when you're having fun

In 2004, French scientists published an study on the physiological explanation as to why time flies when you're having fun.


There's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear

Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote much on the concept of Dread (Begrebet Angest in the original Danish).


Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears

It might be more reasonable to expect the absence of tears in cases of extreme dehydration.

But why are tears so bitter, when one is sufficiently hydrated to produce them? The answer may surprise you.


And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom

Now available at participating retailers for as low as $14.99!


Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you

Schadenfreude is both natural and dangerous.


And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time

To the contrary, at least one centimeter of snow was forecast for Mt. Kilimanjaro for December 25, 2005. (Mount Kilimanjaro, an inactive volcano located in the province of Tanzania, is the highest elevation in Africa.)

Unfortunately, Kilimanjaro's crust of snow and ice may be melting.

Ernest Hemingway, incidentally, wrote a story titled "The Snows of Kilimanjaro."


The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

Is it even possible for one to "get" one's own life, which presumably one already has, as a gift? That is, is any present "received" in the simple act of continuing to live? Discuss.

Such a topic could make for stimulating philosophical conversation around the seasonal table.


Where nothing ever grows

Africa in general, and Ethiopia in particular, support a surprisingly diverse floral ecosystem.


No rain nor rivers flow

A chart depicting the annual rainfall of Africa.

There are at least 26 major rivers in Africa.


Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

With practicing Christians of the Ethiopian Orthodox faith composing a substantial 35% - 40% of the population, it is a safe bet that many Ethiopians do indeed know that it is Christmas (which they call Lidet or Genna--and which, interestingly, is celebrated on January 7th).


Here's to you

It seems inevitable that one will be called upon to make a toast at least once in one's life.


Raise a glass for everyone

Fortunately, there is probably enough sand in the world to make drinking glasses so that everyone in the world could raise a glass for everyone else.


Here's to them
Underneath that burning sun

Presumably, then, this toast is only in effect until sunset in Africa.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

See above.

Feed the World, let them know it's Christmas time again

Should the ending of world hunger be dependent upon Yuletide cheer? It seems unfair. Could one invoke Kant's categorical imperative in this instance? That is, could one justifiably will that everyone only feed the world at Christmas time? Why or why not? Address these issues in a well-crafted, grammatically and compositionally correct essay of not less than 1,500 words.


LIMITED EDITION GUPPY XMAS COMIC STRIP


MAILROOM SCENE FROM WERNER HERZOG'S REINTERPRETATION OF A MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET

"JUDGE" HERZOG: Bring in the bags, Herr Bailiff.

[Dozens of sacks of mail are brought in, covering the courtroom in letters to Santa Claus.]

HERZOG: Yes, you see, all of these bags contain letters for Kris Kringle, and what fascinates me is that in them, we see the true nature of Christmas. Not a feeding frenzy of gift-giving, but a vain indulgence in believing that a man, very far away, cares about you enough to make sure that you get items that you could almost certainly easily buy for yourself, and to many millions of other children, in one night. The fact that so many people entertain such a bizarre and illogical reasoning is exactly in accordance with our nature. And if this man wants to say he is that man, then we should offer him the opportunity to do so, and whether he is to succeed or more likely, die trying, I will be there to film him. More importantly, I would like to try to climb down a chimney.


All contents ©2005 Monkeypants Enterprises of the Lower 48

Correspondence: ubermidget1 at ubermidget dot com
(I trust you'll figure it out—lately I've been inundated with spam)