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Background

As early as May 2005, rumors began to circulate online that Evan Johnston had become lost at sea. These rumors initially were found to be, at best, unsubstantiated, and at worst, patently false. Receipts obtained by a forensics expert show that between May 2005 and July 2007, Mr. Johnston redeemed gift certificates at a variety of establishments, each many miles away from the nearest respective seaport. Moreover, when pressed on the topic, Mr. Johnston himself made clear through a series of official communiqués that he was “on terra firma” and “living in, or near, a densely wooded area.” Evidence of Mr. Johnson’s land-locked existence persisted clear through the latter half of 2011.

Several weeks before the time of this writing, however, an e-mail sent by this writer to Mr. Johnston went unanswered. Pursuantly, suspicions again arose that Mr. Johnson was, in fact, lost at sea.

 Questions Answered Perfunctorily

1. Is Evan Johnston lost at sea?

 At some undisclosed point, it was determined that Evan Johnston is, or was, lost at sea.

2. Who made this determination?

The determination was made by a team of independent researchers, personally unknown to this writer, and of unverified credentials.

3. What sea?

It is believed that Evan Johnston became lost in the Sargasso Sea, owing to that body of water’s general air of mystery and its prominent foothold in world literature.

On the other hand, the “sea” may be allegorical. Analysis of the various writings of Mr. Johnston shows a pattern of vaguely nautical themes. For instance, several essays authored by Evan Johnston include the word “water,” or oblique allusions to water. This “water” may be entirely metaphorical and may represent existence, society at large, the global economy, or Mr. Johnston’s soul (which in itself may be metaphorical). In a particularly artful turn of phrase, he once described a political candidate's “moral compass” as being “firmly anchored.” Other nautical terms Mr. Johnston has used in assorted works over the course of a decade are “boat,” “island,” and “shark.”

Furthermore, at some point in time Evan Johnston likely had watched, or at least had heard of, any number of films in which vast bodies of water figure conspicuously. Among such films are Master and Commander: Far Side of the World; On Golden Pond; and Mutiny on the Bounty—the 1935 version as well as the 1965 version, which stars Marlon Brando. It is unclear whether Mr. Johnston was aware of the 1984 incarnation, titled simply The Bounty.

4. Who is Evan Johnston?

Evan Johnston was, and perhaps still is, a latter-day Renaissance Man whose feats include authoring a number of pieces for this very Web site and others. He made notable contributions in other fields as well. On a now-defunct online public messaging forum, for example, he posted and by popular demand reposted a highly sought-after recipe incorporating Swiss chard and indeterminate other ingredients.

5. How is it proposed that Evan Johnston would survive at sea?

It is assumed that Mr. Johnston would have handy several days’ worth of provisions at barest minimum. He was known to carry packets of pistachios and/or pineapple leather on his person at all times as a matter of both principle and alliteration. He often wore a small life preserver, even on land, a practice that seemed downright eccentric to the casual observer but which takes on newfound significance in light of the subject at hand.

6. By which mode of transport did Evan Johnston arrive at sea?

Hypotheses vary. He may have served as a porter aboard a commercial cruise line. Or he may have chartered a private vessel for his own purposes (which purposes are unfathomable to this writer, not to mention to the general public). It should be noted that Mr. Johnston often spoke of his ambitions to commandeer a “party boat” for fun and profit.

7. By which method would Evan Johnston have purchased tickets for such transport to sea?

It is believed that he possessed the wherewithal to secure passage through use of a bank-issued credit card or by means of barter.

8. Should the reader assume the worst?

While there is some scant evidence to suggest that Evan Johnston now reposes in Davey Jones’ locker, other ideas abound. One scenario has him landing on an island populated by emperor monkeys and, perhaps ironically, becoming their de facto emperor; it is said that these primates accepted him unquestioningly as one of their own due to the prodigious mustache he had cultivated. According to another legend, Mr. Johnston’s ship was swallowed whole by a great whirlpool (no less a being than Charybdis of Greek mythology, by some versions of the tale), and Mr. Johnston emerged on the other side in a lost prehistoric world. As no further communication from Mr. Johnston has been forthcoming, these and any other posited scenarios remain wholly speculative.

Updates will be made available to the reader if or when new information regarding Mr. Johnston’s current whereabouts is brought to light.

9. Not that this has anything to do with Evan Johnston, but have you ever read that Hemingway novel, The Old Man and the Sea?

Once, for a high-school English class.

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